Love is the reason

Dearest M,

I don't know where to begin. So I will start by wishing you a very happy birthday.

I have been thinking hard through many instances from where I want to begin... It could be our first meeting, it could be our first rickshaw ride together, or it could be the first piece of poetry we read out to each-other. Or it could well be about the first song we fell for together.

But I am suddenly reminded of the day I had come over to your place for the first time. It was a few months after your marriage. Or was it a couple of years into it? I don't remember the day or time, but what I do clearly remember is the first little thought that struck me - this was home to one of the people I loved the most, this was something she had created, she was responsible for the colours, crystals, glasses and fabric. It was a real thing and a sheer delight. Especially since I had grown up with this girl who could well have been footloose, and yet desired to be held back, who longed to be loved, and yet didn't really know how to do it.

I clearly remember that I was the one who was on the other side of the pole - footloose and nomadic, even though I could easily come across as someone who could cent percent commit herself into a relationship, who loved and received love, and yet didn't know how to make it the real thing. 

Life is full of surprises. So is love, my love. It has a never-ending opening, and it is hardly ever open to an ending. It is fun - excited, exciting, interested, interesting. It is only when you are in love that you are the most comfortable, and yet the most restless. It is only when you are in love that you can sleep peacefully next to the loudest snores under the sky, and yet you can lie sleepless, night after night. It is only when you are in love that you love to hate the one you love. 

And nobody better than you and I know that it doesn't come easy - this goddamned piece of love. Why am I talking about all this today, you may ask. 

Because you have been in love forever, and it is a time you are falling in love yet again with the one who kicks you and hurts you, who makes you cry and who makes you feel like you are nothing more than a piece of shit.

M, my love, at this very moment, I want to hug you and cuddle your big fat belly. And at this very moment I want to tell you that if it wouldn't be for love - the love you possess, the one which is growing inside you - you wouldn't have been what you are capable of. 

I wish beginnings could be prolonged - beginning of every time we have been in love, for beginnings are always exciting. But beginnings must move on and develop, love must have constant new beginnings. You must get away from the only one you have loved, you must have changes, other people, other places so you can come back to your love as if it were new, and have constant new beginnings in the relationship. 

And you are doing just that, creating a new beginning for the decade old relationship which will change it forever, and redefine it. Obviously, change will be troublesome. Change is something we always want to avoid. Especially when this change will shake you inside out and shock you to the wits. Especially when you will see an entity from within you grow into a separate one. Especially when creating this beautiful thing that everyone around you will wow about will seem like such a thankless, menial job that you will crave to run away... But work must be done, nappies must be washed and the little one must be fed - without a moment of glory, mind you. You can run away but you can't escape.

Here's wishing you a very happy birthday and here's praying for your tenacity (to survive the exhaustion), love (that will often cause despair, but it is ok) and strength (to deal with your childhood which will come to haunt you). Here's to the woman who has surpassed everyone's expectations, who loves and knows how to love. No matter how difficult it may seem, we have immense potential of putting our lives back on the right track.

So, let's celebrate all the wonderful moments that await you. This constant state of struggle with clouds of fear and dark shadows of doubts will be over soon. And when we have lived this one phase, just as phases of heartbreaks and fears and sorrows and inexplicable happiness, we will get together to celebrate your 50th birthday. 

M, my precious friend, I love you, and I wish you have a life that's full of love. For love is the answer to all the prayers we had recorded in our juvenile diaries.

Happy Birthday, once again.

Love, yet again,

A