Then as it was, then again it will be...

(It is uncanny how I was dreaming of my grandfather yet again. 

Two years later... the same date... the same dream. 

Here is a note I wrote on FB on August 23rd, 2012. Yet another proof of what writing a diary could do to us, and how writing helps us understand our lives, actions and ourselves better through months and years, and through our lifetime. Yet another proof of why we should often communicate with ourselves. Yet another proof of how our expressions help us in the moments of despair.)  

I woke up really early today, having cried freely even in my dreams. It is really uncanny how I dream of my grandfather every time there is something I need to take a decision about.

I dreamt of him again last night. He was restless, and he was making me look for something I had lost. He was stading right behind me holding me by my shoulders, forcing me to duck down right under the bed.

"It's filthy out there. I am allergic to dust," I resisted.

"Get a broom and clean it", he said.

That couldn't be my grandfather, I thought to myself. This has to be someone else. Baba would have never asked me to pick up a broom, and do something THAT menial. I was too precious for him. 

I couldn't find what I was looking for, but I have got your message Baba. 

I need to clean up. I need to duck down in order to see where all this filth is lying, and I need to look for what I have lost, making my way through that clutter.

I need to find myself. I need to find patience. And I need to find time to indulge in meaningful conversations with myself in order to express better.

Now, THAT is what is bothering me. I am in such a hurry most of the time that I just need outlets to express - short conversations, a flash of thought, an idea, a sentence, a phrase, a line which is self-explanatory... All the mediums through which I am communicating are giving me such outlets. 

But what happened to the more meaningful conversations? The result is here - endless day-to-day shallowness and a monotony that is making me wonder where all my time is going! 

My dear Facebook, if it were not for you, I wouldn't have found even this bit of myself which wants to take a plunge into something deeper, something more challenging. I owe my courage to express uninhibitedly in public to you, and this is precisely why I need to step aside and look at what has become of me from a distance now. 

Is this what I wanted my expressions to be? 

I don't deny that what starts here with a monologue sometimes results into very meaningful and quick dialogues, with ideas flowing in from all sides - sometimes inspirational, sometimes creative, intuitive, imaginative, but quick nevertheless. And if you come to think of it, these quick conversations are like quick lovemaking, which fulfills the desire but can never be passionate and meaningful.

I am feeling the need of more meaningful conversations with myself now, more in-depth, more evocative. And hence I need to take some strong actions against small and quick communication, for some ideas will need to be left untouched and dissatisfied in order to grow into something bigger and more powerful.   

An action doesn't necessarily proceed by laws or by reasons. An action proceeds by feelings, intuition and conscience. An action, I would like to believe, is a representation of thoughts and behaviour. Consider this action of mine a way of disciplinging myself. I need to stay quiet. I need to cry without feeling miserable. I need to laugh without having this obsessive compulsive disorder of sharing that joke with the world. I need to be with myself. I am hoping that it surely will bring some order to the chaos of mind and will help me make the unknown known. If not that, it will at least help me acknowledge the unknown, and sometimes help me accept it.

For now, I would like to measure "a meaningful talk" by the control it has managed to achieve over outbursts of emotions. 

I will come back when I have something more meaningful and important to share that the mundane status updates and note-to-selfs. I will come back when I have found myself. 

क्या कहूं कहां ग़ुम हूं मुद्दतों से, 

मुझको तो ढूंढने निकला है अब घर मेरा। 

And here is the famous Led Zeppelin song which has been on a loop since early morning. Melancholy has its own charm, I tell you!

"But the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be"